21December 2018

Cat Selfie Tips for Frustrated Humans

When you try to take a cat selfie, what happens?

Does your cat snuggle into your neck, and look adorable?
Nope.
Neither does mine.

My cats only have to glimpse a camera, and they start struggling like furry clawed demons.
I think I know why…

It’s because my cats (and probably your cats) are part of The Great Cat Selfie Conspiracy.

Here’s how it works…

Cats are used to being photographed by their doting humans.
They know that they’re gorgeous.
They understand why we need around 6 billion pictures per cat.

But then selfies were invented.

And NOW humans want to do more than take pictures of their cats.
Now they want to be in the picture too.

It’s an outrage.

In the cat world, the cat selfie is a truly distressing trend.
It’s such a MASSIVE INCONVENIENCE.

It’s one thing to have your photo taken while you’re asleep.
Your cat couldn’t care less what the humans get up to during her 9 hour nap.

But cat selfies demand that cats co-operate.
They have to sit still, and be good.

AT A HUMAN’S CONVENIENCE.

It’s simply unthinkable.

And so they take secret delight in stopping a cat selfie happening.
Before you know it, you have 1200 photos that feature your cat looking frankly terrified.

HELP!

SAVE ME FROM THIS EVIL CAT-NAPPER (who also doubles as my personal servant)…

They like a bit of drama, do our cats.
But fear not.

Now that you know about The Great Cat Selfie Conspiracy, you can do something about it.

Just follow my lead…

How Take a Good Cat Selfie Despite the Wishes of Your Cat

Here’s how I regularly try to outsmart my kitties, and take a good cat selfie.
See if these ideas work for you, too.

1. Redefine what you expect from a cat selfie.

Let’s face it, these are challenging photographic conditions.
Taking a cat selfie can be as hair-raising as hanging off a cliff face, trying to photograph the nesting habits of the rare blue-footed booby.

So be a little flexible about what to expect from a cat selfie.
Chances are it won’t be a perfectly framed shot.

If you can get at least one cat ear and half your face in there, you’re doing pretty well.

2. Set up favorable cat selfie conditions.

OK, now you’ve re-set your expectations to be a little more realistic.
Let’s move to the next stage of the plan: setting the scene.

If you’re lying around on the sofa in ugly PJs and no makeup, your cat is 100% sure to jump up on you, and do something off-the-charts cute.
It’s the worst possible time to take a cat selfie, and your cat knows it.

So if a cat selfie is even a remote possibility, set the scene in advance.
Put on some lipstick.
Shake the birds’ nests out of your hair.
Get rid of the empty donut box.

And then, when your cat comes to demand a snuggle, you’ll be ready.
And she’ll never know that she’s prancing right into a ready-to-shoot photo scene.

3. Trick your kitty into the cat selfie.

So now that you’re looking presentable and your cat suspects nothing, make sure you have your camera to hand.

But be cool about it.

Take a deep breath and relax, as if you have not a care in the world.
Watch the TV, and not your cat.

When your cat starts kneading your lap, thinking you’re settling in for some binge TV, then AND ONLY THEN, reach for your camera … very, very slowly.

Chances are you can grab a cat selfie while your kitty is wondering how many episodes of Vikings she’ll have to sit through before you’ll feed her.

4. A cat selfie cannot happen in silence.

To take a good cat selfie, your voice must be the sound track.
You must talk your cat through this tricky process.

She knows your voice, and it soothes her.
Choose topics that interest her – like how beautiful she is.

Carried along on a crooning wave of compliments, your cat is more likely to relax.
She’ll forget to be suspicious.

But the second you stop talking and focus on taking the shot, your body language will change.

Freeze up, and your cat will take 0.5 of a second to panic.

And then she’ll be gone, off to sulk in the spare room.
But chat away to her as normal as you snap a few pics, and you may take a cat selfie you actually like.

5. One good cat selfie comes from a thousand bloopers.

Now that you’ve set up these cat selfie friendly conditions, don’t break the spell.
Don’t even think about stopping to check how the first 4 photos turned out.

Just keep on clicking and talking, clicking and talking.

Check out your handiwork AFTER your cat’s headed back to the food bowls to see if a 4th dinner has mysteriously arrived during your chat.

Click that button again.
And then again.

The tiniest change of angle can mean the difference between a great photo, and an ugly one.
You can trawl through those million pictures later, in search of one little nugget of gold.